Posted by: The Lazy Admin | October 10, 2011

The Calm, The Storm, and the Dance They Do

The past year has been extremely trying to say the very least about it.  I’ve endured the stress of a marriage, my father’s failing health and then death, job stress, broken friendships, financial hardships, and finally loss of control of my own ability to handle my emotions and the guilt of seeing everyone I care about suffering and hurt as a result.  I’ve tried all sorts of ways to relieve the burden and found no solace, but it’s something I have been used to for quite a many years of my life.  I’ve been inconsolable, unable to find comfort in the words or actions of anyone.  It’s not surprising, because I’ve felt that way since my teenage years.

The social pressure in high school, along with the bullying and rejection, left me feeling powerless.  Hopeless.  Fearful.  Anxious.  This followed me into my adult years, and I finally found myself getting explosive anger at what most people would find irrational.  In fact, I found it irrational.  The senselessness of it all added to the aforementioned emotions but I found myself unable to break away from the patterns of thought and defensive behaviors that had protected me from perceived harm.  I was afraid, all of the time, of making a mistake…  Of looking awkward or inept.

I hope I’ve found some relief now.  I’ve never been a fan or advocate of modern medicine’s solution to these types of problems, I must admit:  I’ve tried anti-depressants, and the side effects were at times worse than the illness itself.  Luckily I have an MD now that I feel I can trust, and so far I feel better now that I’m on a different medicine that’s not in that class of drugs.

It’s strange, feeling a sense of peace and inner calm I haven’t felt in a long time.  Even if it lasts for only a short time, I feel like I’ve had a small awakening.  I can enjoy things again; I see and can appreciate what life has to offer even though it saddens me to see so many people fighting for control that, like I discovered, is incorporeal.  Control always has been an illusion. The Phrygian king stuck in the mire, always reaching for the unattainable if only at the prospect of tasting its sweetness for but a brief time.  Yet people use religion, politics, fear… all attempting to control the human soul, which was made free by our Creator even at the risk of our own annihilation.


Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s


%d bloggers like this: